I just came back from April Conference. It was awesome. And I’d like to share something with you:
I’ve always liked control because it grounds you with a stable degree of certainness. It makes you feel able, and it affirms the fact that you can maneuver life successfully. Hence, why I struggle with trusting Him & consecrating myself to Him. Essentially, you’re saying, yes, Lord, I am a complete mess, and I can’t do anything without you, so I give you the reigns in my life because I believe You have my best interests at heart.
To put your life in another person’s hands is terrifying, and to trust that that’s a good idea is also equally terrifying.
And I did exactly that in March, and I did it again these past few days, haha.
In March, I was planning to apply to the Kenyon Review Young Writers Program, and I desperately wanted to be accepted, although there was doubt inside because of their intense selection process. I can’t count how many times I prayed about the situation to God. It was probably borderline ridiculous, now that I think about it, but I let Him know that if He wanted me to go, He would allow me to go, & I would go. And if He didn’t want me to go, I wanted to still be able to say amen to His sovereignty. The peace felt afterwards was always refreshing, and in the end, I did get in–not because my application was so glitteringly outstanding, but because, in hindsight, I first gave the whole situation to God, and He honored it.
The funny thing about my second experience is that it’s counted as one of my top ten stupidest things I ever did. During the first night of the conference, I told the Lord it was okay to take the reigns, and the next morning, I burned myself with 212 degree water (long story involving a plastic water bottle). While it wasn’t fun going through the day with my wrist feeling like it was branded with a hot iron, I was surprised when I wasn’t freaking out. I felt calm. It wasn’t the end of the world, and I could still coordinate for piano service. It was going to be okay. And it was.
That’s the reflection I came to in the last four days summed up in 7 paragraphs.
To my dear companions: I miss you all already. Counting down the days till SSOT.